wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
