Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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