I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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