We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
