Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
