do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize