ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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