Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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