I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize