we have officially lost it.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
