your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
