i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
