i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
