Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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