also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
