mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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