this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
