Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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