I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
