I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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