I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
