you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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