I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
True strength comes from lack of pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
