I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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