There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
