dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
