so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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