Already got asked if we're dating
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
