literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
