franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We have so much sex to catch up on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
