he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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