Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
