also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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