so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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