do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
