I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
