I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize