We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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