There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We don't watch enough power rangers
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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