I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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