He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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