You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
