Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize