Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
