i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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