just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
