Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
