I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
