I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
