Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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