I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
