Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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