The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
