just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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