so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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