The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
