According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
