last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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