Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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