just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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