I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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