no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
