I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
