My first STD was from a foam party
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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