she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
