I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
did you just send me my own nude
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
