bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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