Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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