Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm at about main and main street
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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